Ghosts of the Past

I sat in the same row, in the familiar candlelight glow, carols sung by a choir and so many pieces of myself were remembered.

This last Christmas eve, I attended a service as I always do with my family. It is sacred and special to us as my father is the minister of the same church for more than my lifetime. This service, this time of year extending into new years and much of January, although heralded as new beginnings, usually feels like a reflection of the past.

For many of us who have forged new paths from our families’ traditions, going “home” to family can feel a little disorienting. It is at once all too familiar and strangely foreign.

Often the struggle we feel in those situations has nothing to do with the other people. While it seems triggered by them, it’s usually coming in to contact with the old version of youreself in their eyes and their expectations that sting. It so easy to sink up to the frequency of the ones who raised you, who knew you before you may have shifted and evolved.

As I sat in this service, I was reminded of many moments of my life, I had sat in that pew hopeful for Christmas as a child, and a little disenchanted as a teen. But it is the adult moments, the yearly checkpoints, where I sit and listen to the Carols and almost always review my life and feel so deeply the ghosts of my own past selves.

I have sat there with partners, a year later to be without them and see their family, years later to have new ones, then also an empty seat next to me again. I have sat with deep sadness, guilt, confusion, and a whole host of emotions while signing silent night.

After speaking to many friends upon returning home from the holidays, feelings were similar. We can feel so foreign and uncomfortable in the energy of our families because we are not yet accepting of those parts of ourselves. Those parts of us that yearned to evolve and to grow into who we became, who we are. But when we touch into those states we can feel lost in them now.

It’s like we took this scary step backward to our world were our empowerment and magic doesn’t exist. And our family reflects that. But the truth is, your magic existed there always.

And when that place comes up, when you feel a well of emotions siting with many versions of you in a church pew next to your mother, it’s time to open your heart and love bigger.  

Love that part of you. In this ever-unfolding infinite moment you can love that part of you and raise her or him up to join you now. And the reflection you see in your family you can do the same too.  

It can be a challenge to return to old beliefs and a world with more restrictions that our families might hold but when we stop resisting this place and open our heart to seeing more than meets the eye, our experience might join us. And maybe in some cosmic way the past might change too in least in your knowing of it.

So as you start a new year, can you love each version of you, that was always on the leading edge of your life. Sailing your way forward into newness each and every moment.

If you need help seeing your patterns, and areas where you are stuck and restricted around family or any area, a reading is such a powerful way to get clarity, momentum and healing around these things so you can feel freer and more expansive this year!

Reach out to schedule or check the website!