In to Nothing

“I am nothing” “I want to be nothing”

At first glance, these aren’t the most empowering mantras. But in my meditation right now, they are well… everything.

Years ago, as I first entered in to spirituality, my more meditated friends would share concepts of nothingness.

 I hated the idea of it.

“Become nothingness” “Merge in to nothingness” they quoted their teachers and gurus.

“Ummmmm, no no, that is not what I want” I spoke from my confusion. I had long detailed responses of why this was not a good idea. “I want to be someone and have an identity” “ I don’t want to transcend this reality, I want to be fully in it!” I would explain. 

These teachers (or at least my friends) did not mention all that was available in the nothingness and that it was in fact much more then what our assumption of “nothing” was.

 I went in a different direction, journeys and visualizations, which I made my main practice and what I shared best with others. People asked specifically for my guided journeys.

I love creating an inner landscape so rich and vibrant and alive that anything seemed possible. New ideas came to me in my colorful journey meditations. Things outside of my knowing, explanations of my inner truth and so many other ideas revealed themselves to me in that liminal space.

I would turn on my music, close my eyes, feel my breathe deepen and then, like Alice in Wonderland, I would cross through a portal in to my own deep subconscious. I traversed internal rivers and forests, entered caves of my own underworld, where shadowed aspects of self awaited me. It was all really… something.

During the great Texas blizzard of 2021 (the snowpocalypse) and in the midst of Covid 19, (a few weeks ago from writing this) I began an online class with the amazing teacher Dr. Joe Dispenza. (Even though I teach on these subjects I am always learning more) In this class there was a meditation focusing on the the space behind the eyes and the vast emptiness in the darkness in that area. 

When I was guided to this awareness, it was like a lightbulb (or a dark bulb…) went off. 

For the first time I drank in the nothingness. All I wanted was to detach from all my stories and everything I knew about myself for just a moment. 

That one moment was long enough to not identify with “myself” and to begin to identify with “the self”. The difference for me was being attached to my own narrative, desires and physical experience as opposed to the creative space of sheer possibility.  

The nothingness was actually “no thing ness” a space where energy is unformed and undefined by matter and concept. Not even thought exists in this space, it’s presence and possibility only.

I previously believed that nothingness was associated with lack in some way. I believed it to be a denial of my unique creative existence. Like it was a sad emptiness, alone and lost in a void. But when I stepped in to it my experience was anything but that. It was a fullness unattached to any story or memory I had. It was creativity itself. 

I didn’t enter in to the nothingness to become less of who I am, I entered to become less of who I am not and more of who I am. 

I now know that every cell in my body is primarily empty space and that everything I looked at was also mostly made up of undefinable, and unmeasurable spaciousness. So by bringing my awareness to that aspect, I was coming in to communion with the fullness of me, the spacious majority of who I am.

This also allowed me to become aware of the thoughts, emotions, physical experiences and manifestations that I created and that they were, in truth, directed by my focus. So if I focused on my physical body as it is now, I took all the energy in me and directed it that way, making more of the same. If I focused on my past experiences I created experiences of the same theme. 

Even my meditative journeys would still contain so much of the “me” I may have haphazardly created. My limited stories, my identity…it was all carried with me there. Although I could expand at the edges of it and reach beyond it a bit. 

But in my focus on the potential-rich black soil of nothingness, I could let it all go. But it doesn’t stop there. Once I created space, I could then focus on new things. New aspects I wanted to experience through me, new energies and emotions and internal narratives, which all eventually lead to new actions and and new manifestations. New life lived through me.

I could only maintain this focus for a few moments but each second was a chance at harnessing actual  possibility.

I still love guided journeys and visualizations. There is no one right way to meditate!

But now I am able to truly experience the essence of me in a way I had not before.

In my work with my clients, I see so many reasons why someone can’t meditate and most of them are, like mine, based on an assumption of what meditation is and not on what it can be for them. The reasons don’t take in to account that there are many ways to meditate and all can be adapted to you! 

At the end of the day, the blocks to meditation are only that, blocks, and once removed, potential and possibility open up. 

I love helping clients find ways to let go of the blocks and experience the shifts they have been waiting for.

I love feeling in to the pure well of possibility and harnessing it in new ways. I love the way it allows me to have completely new experiences of myself and the world around me. 

What about you? Do you have blocks and beliefs that keep you from spiritual practice? 

Feel free to reply/comment and share with me. I’d love to hear from you!