Where Shame Hides
I have been doing much reflection lately, as I am seeing myself in many clients.
I have been thinking about how my life has taken so many unconventional turns and twists from who I once thought I would be. I feel really great about the choices I make but I was thinking recently, pondering really, about if I were to do something really big, or with consequences as many people who make major changes in the world have done. People who have heralded great change with a risk to their own comfort, sitting on buses where they were told not to or marrying who they prefer despite religious opinion and the law.
As I reflected on the legal consequences these people faced, I wondered how I would handle that, and you know what I immediately feared?…
The consequences, the punishments, the toll on my life…. NO
It was what would my mother think or say. It was the feeling of shame being directed at me.
I know this was a strange way to bring this up. But it was my honest narrative, and no I don’t plan to start any revolutions that I currently know of.
But maybe one in your heart today…
As I went deeper I could see many ways I held back in my early days of adult life not to get people”s approval but to avoid their expressed disapproval… or their deep shame. I wouldn’t have cared if they said “I don’t agree but you do you!”
We are often disciplined as children with the tone of shame… and it is very powerful. It is one of the worst feelings. And family members are one of the closest places where that can be felt.
Now this isnt about blaming our parents, it is about seeing where shame might still live in your life.
Do you have things you really want to do, be or have that you feel blocked from?
Do you feel very afraid of making mistakes?
Do you feel that you must consider many people in making life decisions?
It might be because you fear being shamed or you were in the past and you just learned to stop doing things your heart desires.
Shame can be very secretive and its not everyones intention to shame you. They may be genuinely triggered, they may be hurt, they may have learned that strong discipline and disappointment helps to guide you.
But humans blossom in love and acceptance. They become their most authentic self. Even if a behavior needs to shift to be healthier it can be said in a way that invites them in to their goodness rather than scaring them away from something with shame.
The catch is, we can’t make others do anything differently. We can’t make them respond to us differently. We can, however, change how we respond to others and how we respond to ourselves.
Heres how to shift the shame story within:
Notice when you feel blocked from a certain way of being and observe your narrative? Is it compassionate or is it critical and shaming?
If its shaming, pause and breathe, notice how that feels. It usually feels terribly uncomfortable. Soften your body to it, so as not to resist.
Become aware if there is someone in particular you fear will know or find out about such behavior or activity.
As you continue to breath, say “I am worthy of love no matter what I do” ,“The Universe loves me without any conditions” Do this until you can feel it a little (if you cant maybe try to think of a time when you felt so loved, even if its off topic)
If there was someone in particular tied to it, I want you to imagine (even if it feels like fantasy) that they love and accept your decisions and even your faults with ease, grace and compassion. Play it like a movie (again may not feel real but we are trying for a feeling)
Try and breath in to this place and then go back to the affirmations in #4 for as long as you need to shift your energy and then see what choices you might make!
Bonus: Consider not immediately sharing things that don’t directly relate or affect another until you feel more confident in your decisions
Extra Bonus: If you don’t even know where shame is hiding in your life, imagine that nobody was watching or had an opinion of your life… what would you do with it, what would be different? Think deep, no judgement, no right no wrong at all, just what feels good to you. You still may not choose to do all of the things because they way they impact others, but its good to know your current desires.
I am wishing you a time where you are guided more by your heart, your joys and your deep self acceptance than the need to contort yourself to avoid shame.
If you feel truly stuck in this, reach out for a reading or mentorship as these patterns need some support in truly shifting and knowing where they are coming from.